Have you ever been in a conversation either personally or professionally when you realize that it’s no longer a dialogue, but a debate that you didn’t sign up for? It can be easy to want to run from such conversations, or depending on your personality style, it may be easy to respond emotionally (and regrettably). Regardless, it’s never fun when you recognize that someone is no longer participating in an exchange of ideas, but intent on “winning” a conversation.

However, as a leader, you have a responsibility to share your opinions and perspective while maintaining curiosity and showing respect to others—even (and especially) when they aren’t showing respect back. That is leading yourself really well. In this article, we’ll address how to disagree well and lead a debate back to a healthy dialogue.

5 Ways to Lead a Disagreement back to a Healthy Dialogue

1. Control your tone. Just because someone is raising their voice, doesn’t mean you have to. Sometimes a quiet or silent response speaks the loudest. If someone is behaving inappropriately in a conversation (and shouting is inappropriate) and you refuse to match their vocal tone and intensity, they’ll likely begin to feel silly and change their own tone. If they don’t, then something deeper might be at play. But you can only control you.

2. Stay open to feedback. A disagreement can occur when there is a differing opinion. So if you find yourself in a disagreement with someone, take the opportunity to learn from them. Find out why they are so opposed to your position. If you approach the conversation from a place of curiosity, it’ll be easier to diffuse conflict. The other person will feel heard and validated. And remember, validating someone else’s perspective or opinion doesn’t necessarily mean that you agree with them. You’re simply affirming that they have a viewpoint and that you’ve heard their viewpoint. And sometimes that’s at the root of what’s needed. Plus, you can always learn from someone—especially when they think differently from you.

3. Clarify what you’ve heard. Don’t assume anything. So much conflict is the result of miscommunication. If you’re surprised by someone else’s opinion, then take a moment to be sure you heard them correctly. Do not immediately counter. In doing so, you might launch a debate if they feel accused or attacked or invalidated. So before you address what they’ve said, take a moment to repeat back in question format what you’ve heard. Pay attention to your tone though so that it isn’t interpreted as sarcasm. Show a genuine interest in wanting to understand and be sure that you do indeed understand before responding.

4. Show empathy. Sometimes when a conversation takes an unexpected or dramatic turn, it’s an indication that something else is happening. Perhaps someone is walking through a tough situation that you’re completely unaware of and it’s impacting how they show up. That doesn’t excuse behavior, but it does inform it. Or perhaps the disagreement touches on a moral issue or conviction. If that’s the case, then an emotional display would make more sense. Empathy is key here. You can still disagree with someone, but if you show empathy in the conversation, it will likely become safer for them—which, in turn, will lead the conversation away from a potential argument. And if (or when) the conversation is reversed, wouldn’t you want someone to show you empathy?

5. Agree to disagree. This phrase is important to own. Sometimes a conversation reaches a stalemate; and that’s okay. It might not feel okay to the other party, but if the conversation isn’t getting anywhere, then it’s absolutely okay to use that phrase as a conversation ender. If there is a designated decision-maker for the subject of the debate, then they own the decision and it’s the responsibility of both parties to accept that. Again, you can only control your own response, so as long as you’ve shared your thoughts in a respectful manner, then agreeing to disagree is an acceptable way to end a conversation.

Disagreements don’t have to become debates. Some people love debates and some people shut down during them. So regardless of your preferred method of communication, remember the other person in the conversation. Learn from them and speak in a manner that shows respect always. You can disagree completely—just do so in a way that honors them. Not only does this increase psychological safety and build trust, but it will also grow your influence and make you a more effective communicator.

We love working with teams to help them better understand their individual communication styles and interpersonal dynamics so that they can develop more cohesive working relationships and foster a greater sense of teamwork. Our Team Workshops cover topics like this and more. Contact us today and book one for your team!